bethlove1

I have no idea where my self control has gone. I can go most the day, and then I binge.
I purged 10 times today.
What's wrong with me?
I just need to be skinny.
Plus, I'm getting sick.
Not fun. But hopefully I lose my appetite.
I'm such a dissapointment, I'm sorry.
I promise I'll do better.

1/2 cup of salad: 55 cals
1/2 of an apple: 25 cals
1/2 of a whole grain whole wheat roll: 70 cals (?)
1 granola bar: 100 cals
Total: 250 cals/500 Time: 5:02 pm

 So I guess there is no such thing as privacy when you are with your nosy, bratty, pretty, skinny, cousin.
What a fun trip this has been....
Finally going home on Friday.  I can't wait :) No more eating out!
I can not believe how much I've gained.
I haven't had a scale since I left, but I can see it, which is the worst. Gross gross revolting, disgusting.
I can't stand myself.
I can not handle this.
Luckily today I didn't eat shit food, but I had enough to feed a herd of cows.
Do I not realize that I hardly have any time until school??
I can not & will not be a fat lard ass when I go back. That is that.
:((((((
*b xoxoxo

 So I haven't been very active on here lately.  I keep reading posts on journals and abc, just haven't been posting much myself.  

I was doing pretty good, being strict and exercising like a maniac, but 4th of  July totally ruined me!!!!
Yucky :( So anyway it's Monday morning - 11:26 am. 
I leave to go to Laughlin, Nevada to be on the lake for two days straight!
I am so stressed out.  I look disgusting.  I haven't weighed myself in days because I'm a huge coward.  
So on this trip, there will be tons of family, that I haven't seen in a while who will totally notice my hugeness!
Not to mention the super cute boys who are coming on this trip...lovely.
So the fact that I'm a fat lard ass whale will just be shoved into my face this weekend.
I know I deserve it, and it will keep me motivated. But I can't help but dread it.  

I will not let this happen when I go back to school.  I will lose 20 pounds by end of August, so all those loser's I go to school with can see and have all the shit the said shoved right back into their faces.

Sorry for the angry, useless, rant girls/guys.

Love you all, thankyou for being there.

xoxo
*b

So I haven't been on in a few days, but here's the story
I was up at 124-125 because of period stuff, but then I weighed myself yesterday, and I was 121 :)
So I was doing good and went running and burned a lot of calories.
Then I went to my cousin's grad party and was not worried about binging, but then we were all getting food, so I got a small plate of fruit, and a small scoop of pasta. 
I wasn't hungry at all and I went swimming and was feeling alright, but then today I went to breakfast with friends which is pretty much the worst thing and I had pancakes.

So now it's after 8pm so I can't eat anyway because I'll store calories, and I worked out, but I don't feel hungry or anything which I DO NOT LIKE.
I'm terrified to weigh myself until I feel alright again.  
Just as I was doing well!!!!!!
Urgh, I'm too upset with myself to post on abc so maybe some of you will see this post.

I love you all unconditionally for being here for me and for all of us who come to this website as the only place where we are accepted and kept as positive as possible.

Thankyou so much :) I promise promise promise I won't break again...I know I can be strong.

Yesterday was going good, I only had 200 calories and I worked my butt off, so I was feeling good :)
Then my Mom made me go to dinner with her and her bf, and I had sushi.  Yuck!
I felt so bloated.  So we all came back to the house, and he had to use my laptop to edit something, and after he finished, I accidentally left some thinspo up, and I completely saw him scrolling through it.   Goodthing it wasn't a giveaway, I don't think....But there was nothing I could do!
So I was sitting there, waiting for him to stop invading my privacy.  I knew he would tell my Mom because she has already been suspecting
"Low Self Esteem Issues".  No shit.  So last night was pretty awful.

This morning I woke up feeling as sick as ever thinking that it was from all the food last night, but then I realized that its "that time of month". Yucky.
Luckily it's making me feel sick enough not to eat anything, and successfully liquid fast :)
So right now, I'm going to continue on my cleaning spree to burn some calories, since I'm not feeling very well, working out will be hard but I'll still do some :)

I hope you all are having a lovely day, and remember to be strong!
*b xoxoxo

- Water back yard
-  Vaccum all rooms
- Dust living room
-  Do Laundry
-  Do dishes
-  Clean room, unpack
-  Exercise like mad
-  Fold Laundry
-  Get ready, go to party 
tt&tt&tt&SS

So on Thurdasy, I went on an unexpected trip with my friend to a cabin in the mountains.  
I thought I could do it, and I was excited that we were going hiking everyday.
Of course it rains, so we stay inside all day, sit on our asses, and eat.
GROSS!
I got home last night, and weighed myself...
124 fucking pounds.

I gained 2 pounds!!!!!
yucky awful fat gross nasty

only 17 days until my boating trip, and according to calorie king, if i get back on my diet w/ a lot of exercise, I will get to 115 by the 6 and 111 by the 13.  I'm leaving on the 9th, we'll see.
Today is a new beginning, and I'm ready to do this :)
Glad to be back
tt&ss
*b xoxoxo
 

 feel like shittt.
fuck food, fuck binges, fuck this.
im not eating tomorrow. im going to lose weight.
i hate this feeling :(
why do i do it???

I used to cut once in a while a couple of years ago, and have never thought about it since, 
but for some reason i just cut the word "FAT" on my hip, inner, and outer thigh.
I was barely concious of what I was doing.
It's kind of a scary feeling =/
 

This site is for supporting eachother isn't it?
We have ed's, it's known.  I don't think there should be contradictory comments that make people feel worse about themselves than we already do.  I understand we have different views, and we want to voice them, but I think there needs to be more support than anything.
This is the safe ground for most of us, that we depend on to be understanding.

Hope you all are having/had a good day

*B xoxoxo 

 So I haven't made goal weights in a while, I've just bee trying to lose weight, so I'm going to make some current goals.

CW: 122 
HW: 130 
GW1: 115 
GW2: 108
GW3: 100
UGW: 90 

It would be my DREAM to be at 108 by the end of the month...
I'm bad at judging these things so if anyone could tell me what is a realistic goal weight by the end of the month?
With fasting this week, and then following abc??
It would be really helpful :)
*B xoxoxo

If eating makes me feel HORRIBLE...
why do I do it????
I'll not eat for the day and feel great, then I'll eat, then work it off so I don't start crying.

Sometimes I don't understand my actions. 

 Less than 300 cals
Then huge ass dinneer.
feel awful, but way too tired to write a complete entry, just wanted to get the stats down.
CW 122 lbs
blaaaaa
goodnight, tomorrow is a new day.

 11:00 am : tall iced chai from starbucks - 185 cals
12:30 pm: half sandwich and skinny cow - 520 cals
all together 605 cals
very dissapointing!! 
I'm not eating any more today! I dont like being at grandparents house because they just make you eat!!!!!
ugh, ill just go running for a long time. blaaaaa
I just made it an 800 cal day today and switched the actualy 800 cal day with 500 cals..i know thats bad but it wont happen again!

Two week spring break is coming to an end :(
Last day today...I'm scrambling to write a paper and turn it in tomorrow, nothing like procrastinating!
At least it keeps me from eating.  I'm going on a camping trip with my class from wednesday to saturday.  
I'm not looking forward to having to eat all the meals we make, but hopefully i can burn most of it off when we go hiking.  
Wish me luck!  
 
lovelove xx  

 Hey!
So I'm new here but I'm working on ABC.
First day...but soo fat.  I let myself get completely out of hand.

H - 5'3"
CW - 121lbs!!!!!
GW - 117 by sunday

I'm sorry i don't have any control.
Would love support :)

B